Salve For Festering Wounds

Before I retired from my long-term employer, they were stressing and encouraging employees to “bring their whole self to work.”  It all started in the pre-DEI days at a conference that occurred annually to recognize different Employee Resource Groups. Our Chairman at the time gave the keynote speech about gentleman that was a good family friend with whom his family and this friend’s family had supported each other during celebratory times and grieving times. They had been in small group Bible studies in homes together. Prayed each other through challenging times. Good family friends. The friend was an African American man in his late 50’s. One day after one of the highly publicized killings of a young black American in another city, my chairman and his friend had a conversation about what it meant to grow up black in America and how this friend had had to have a conversation with his son on interactions with authority.  My chairman said the conversation was life changing for him. At this conference he was stressing to all the employees about how we never really understood each other until we saw the world from another’s perspective based on their life experiences. The speech became a You-Tube sensation and was viral on the internet. I would encourage you to watch it.

One of the outcomes from the keynote speech was that a number of initiatives got started. One of my favorites was that a peer of mine in the headquarters location began inviting some of her co-workers out to lunch. Just a group of 5 – 6 employees out to lunch. The group needed to be diverse --- different genders, ethnic groups, religions, natural origins, sexual orientation. People spent time going around the table and talking about themselves. It became quite the phenomenon where these lunches started everywhere around the country as people tried to get to know one another and to understand different perspectives.

For me, to “bring myself to work” has always been easy. I have never shied away from my evangelical, Christian beliefs and have used stories in challenging, coaching, encouraging, and providing direction to my teams.

Today’s story is a story about forgiveness that I have shared with many groups --- my work teams, as a Youth Leader, as a Sunday School teacher, in small group Bible studies, and with friends.

It is a family story. Many families repeat the tragedy of the story every day.

Several decades ago, families lived in proximity to each other. Same neighborhoods. I had an uncle who lived in the same neighborhood as his widowed mother-in-law, his two brothers-in-law, and their families. They did everything together --- vacations, church, family gatherings, etc.

My uncle decided to build a new house in a new neighborhood. He and my aunt decided to build an apartment in the basement of his house for his mother-in-law. One brother-in-law built a house right next door. The other brother-in-law built a house not too far away in the same town. The families were happy and inseparable. They did everything together. The mother-in-law lived out the last years of her life quite happily. She enjoyed living with her daughter and son-in-law, visiting them upstairs, sharing meals, going shopping together, going to church together, and having them take her to her Dr appointments.

She died a happy woman. My uncle was named the executor of her estate. The mother-in-law had never had very much. She came from modest means. Her husband had worked hard, and they had a good life, but never gained any wealth to speak of. My uncle and aunt took care of most of her expenses except medication and whatever food she kept in her apartment. When the estate settled, there was only a few thousand dollars in the estate to split amongst her three children.

The two brothers were angry. They felt cheated. They believed my uncle and aunt had swindled their mother out of all their inheritance. It was not true, but that is what they believed. They were so angry that they moved away, changed churches, stopped inviting my aunt and uncle to family functions. Cut them off completely. Attempts to restore the relationship were rebuffed.

Lots of years passed. One day my aunt was in the grocery store and ran into one of her sisters-in-law. She told my aunt that her other brother was in the hospital dying of brain cancer. Only days to live. The good news is that my aunt and uncle went to the hospital and saw her brother before he passed. My aunt and her two brothers reconciled. The relationship was restored before her brother’s death.

It took a brother’s terminal illness to bring about the reconciliation of the relationship. There were way too many lost years of relationship and fellowship over a few dollars ---- which amounted to nothing in the long run.

Many families are torn apart because of inheritance or other issues. Years of relationship and fellowship are broken.

The reason I told that story to my work teams is that as IT professionals, we spent more time with each other --- working long days, nighttime testing and problem solving, weekends doing product installs and testing. We spent more time with each other than we spent with our families (not counting sleep time). There were bound to be times where we ruffled each other’s feathers. Sometimes we really got under each other’s skin.

Wounds that fester only cause problems later. They exacerbate into situations where people do not listen, respect, or want to work together.

To avoid that, we need to be good listeners, ignore some of the slights, offer a little grace. Most important is to talk it out. Go grab a bite to eat or a cup of coffee with the person. Maybe agree to disagree but at least hear each other out. Understand the other’s perspective.

Conflict resolved builds trust and strong relationships. Conflict unresolved never ends well and little things become gigantic things.

Forgiveness is the salve for festering wounds.