Seek To Understand, Before Being Understood

Many years ago, I attended a training session. Stephen R Covey, author of the classic bestseller The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, was the trainer. It was a life-changing experience for me. If you have never read this book or others he has written, then I highly recommend them. Today however, I would like to focus on one of his habits / principles that changed my life. Habit 5 is entitled “Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood”. The book has a whole chapter on this principle with a number of illuminating suggestions for people seeking to be Highly Effective People.

The life-changing portion for me was a story that he told in explaining this principle. I will give you the gist of it, but I encourage you to read the book or at least this chapter sometime. When Stephen taught the class, he also offered a cassette version of the materials to listen to later. You can tell how long ago the training was by the fact that he offered a cassette version of the materials. The cassette version of the story was a little more in depth, so I will go with that version. BTW --- I still have the cassette version of the class after all these years because of its significance to me.

My cliff note version of the story goes as follows.

A husband and wife were both highly educated with PhD’s --- a psychiatrist and a professor, I recollect. They had a teenage son named Joe who was in high school. Joe was struggling in school and near the point of failure on a subject (book says reading, while the cassette says Math. Subject is irrelevant to the story, but let’s go with Math). I am going to utilize poetic license to make up a couple of names in my re-tell to make it easier to understand.

Joe has a friend that dropped out of high school and had become a mechanic. Joe’s friend, Max, was enjoying making some money and no longer having to put up with the rigors of school.

Joe was in High School. He walked in from school one afternoon and told his dad that he wanted to drop out of school. He did not see the value of staying in school and he thought dropping out and becoming a mechanic like Max was a great way to go to begin the rest of his life.

Most parents would have blown up then at the thought of their child dropping out of high school, but Joe’s dad decided to take a different approach. He thought maybe there was something behind Joe’s desire to drop out and he wanted to discern more before he responded in kind.

Joe’s dad asked some questions about why Joe thought being a mechanic was the way to go. He asked him what he thought not having a High School diploma might mean in the future? How would it impact future jobs? What might it mean if he later decided that he wanted to go back to school or even college? He asked what it might look like when he got married and started to have children of his own. What would he tell them?

Joe’s dad was seeking to understand Joe before trying to provide guidance back to him or blowing up in anger.

Joe’s dad asked Joe why he thought staying in school now was such a bad idea?

Then, the revelation came.

Joe admitted that he was flunking his math class that semester. He was ashamed that he was going to fail and that his mom and dad --- who were highly educated and both in professional positions, could no longer love him because he was a failure academically.

Joe’s dad first affirmed that their love for him was not dependent on his academic achievements in school. They loved him unconditionally and always would. Joe’s dad asked Joe if he had considered that there were other options than dropping out of school? He suggested that they could get him a tutor now to try to help him raise his grades before the end of the semester. Summer school was another option if the current grade could not be raised in time to prevent the failure for the semester.

After Joe heard his dad explain some of the other options, his current situation did not seem so dire. He particularly liked the thought that his parents’ love for him was not dependent on passing the Math class.

Joe decided that dropping out of school was not what he wanted to do. The decision on becoming a mechanic or pursuing another profession was a decision for a later date --- post High School graduation.

There is a life-changing concept for each of us in that story. Too often when we are in conversations with people --- spouses, children, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and even strangers we might engage ---- we begin to formulate OUR response to them while they are still TALKING. We need to become better LISTENERS. We need to change from point to counter-point conversations to ENGAGED conversations. Listen to what the other person is saying. Ask follow up questions about their comments. Be open and empathetic. Think about what they are saying from THEIR perspective. Understand what they MEANT and not just what they said.

Then respond to their intent.

I’ve told that story over the years to my teams. I have tried to follow that principle in my conversations. It is especially helpful in trying to solve problems. You will often find that the problem is actually a symptom of something else that needs to be addressed. Addressing a root cause is more productive and beneficial than just putting a band-aid on something. Though, sometimes you need to apply a band-aid and a more in-depth solution to really address a problem.

In these days of polarization, we no longer actually listen to each other. We focus on counter points or rebuttals in many of our interactions. We could affect meaningful changes in our ecosystems if we tried to empathetically listen and understand each other. We often understand problems differently. We have different perspectives.

Solutions that are collaborative or are based on common ground or common understandings often have a higher possibility of being successful.

My challenge to each of you is to Seek to Understand, Before Being Understood.

I am sure it will change your life too!