The Path to Healing

I have struggled with writer’s block on this blog for several weeks. It’s fascinating how a story can change based on the perspective we choose. As a born-again Christian, I strive to follow the teachings of Jesus and the example He set during His earthly ministry. Many of His teachings clash with today’s culture. We are told to be in the world, but not of the world.

Have you ever been betrayed by someone you trusted? Have you wrestled with the hurt and unforgiveness that follows? Today, I want to share my personal journey through hurt, anger, bitterness, and ultimately, forgiveness.

The Command to Love

As a follower of Christ, I am taught that the foremost commandment is to love God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. The second is to love my neighbor as myself (Mark 12:30-31).

Anyone's journey to healing after betrayal hinges on forgiveness. Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a constant attitude.” I have found this to be profoundly true.

To release someone fully, I must receive fully. We do not earn God’s forgiveness. He does not “get even” when we fail. Instead, He forgave us completely through the death of His Son, Jesus, on the cross—a one-time sacrifice that covers the sins of those who accept His invitation. He made us righteous through Christ’s righteousness (II Cor 5:10).

We forgive others because God forgave us. It’s not about deserving or earning forgiveness. When we hold onto unforgiveness, we play God with others. To become the person God intended me to be, I must forgive others unconditionally, just as He has forgiven me. Forgiveness is essential for inner healing.

The Cost of Unforgiveness

Resentment, anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness only hurt me. They can destroy my spirit. Many people develop unhealthy habits to cope with their pain. We can become hard-hearted and hateful. My unforgiveness impacts those around me, especially those who had no part in the original act of betrayal. Unforgiveness can ruin relationships—even with those we love dearly.

If you want to understand the journey from betrayal to forgiveness, read the story of Joseph in Genesis (chapters 37-50). God gave Joseph two dreams at age 17, revealing His vision for Joseph’s future. However, Joseph wasn’t ready for that destiny. God had to prepare him over the next 40 years, transforming him into the leader he was meant to be. Joseph faced trials and persecution that shaped him into the person God intended him to become. His journey included enslavement, imprisonment, and long periods of silence from God.

God’s intent is to grow us where we are while developing us into who He always meant for us to be. Think of it this way: God determines the direction, but we control the speed by how quickly we learn along the way. Often, we don’t understand God’s direction, but He works out the details of our journey because He is omnipotent and in control. Only we can derail our destiny.

Forgiveness: A Journey, Not a Destination

Forgiveness is a process. It doesn’t happen overnight. Recently, I started reading a book recommended by David Jeremiah in a sermon. He described it as tremendously impactful in his own life. The book is titled Forgive & Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve by Lewis B. Smedes. I have found it helpful in my own journey as well.

As we work through forgiveness and healing, we must let God be God. Romans 12:19 says, “Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to God’s wrath; for it is written, vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord.

Our forgiveness and healing deepen our relationship with God. He ultimately judges all for their actions. Those who accept Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior will spend eternity with Him. Those who do not face a different fate.

We forgive others because God forgave us. It’s not about deserving or earning forgiveness. To become the person God intended me to be, I must forgive others unconditionally, just as He has forgiven me.

My Personal Journey of Betrayal and Forgiveness

After retiring from my telecom employer, I took on a couple of consulting gigs for international telecoms. Retirement wasn’t an option due to the elder care costs for my mom after my dad’s passing. I ended up as a full-time contract executive with a start-up software company. My partners were friends and former contractors from my large development team during my telecom years. We had verbal discussions, a contract detailing compensation, and a handshake agreement on remote work from my East Coast second home. The contract was for 18 months. Things were good for a while.

However, about 15 months in, everything changed. One weekend, while I was on the East Coast, I found myself terminated. All access was cut off at midnight on a Saturday, with no verbal or written communication. A co-worker and I were in the middle of onboarding a new client on some new software. Just like that, I was cut off. I felt deeply betrayed—my friendship, my contractual, and verbal agreements were all broken.

At that time, I was also facing a personal crisis. I had just been diagnosed with a recurrence of my cancer after four and a half years. I could have gone back to Texas, seeking reinstatement, but I had bigger battles ahead—radiation and chemotherapy loomed in my near future.

The termination felt like a bowling ball striking a perfect strike in my personal life. My mom’s elder care costs were running $30K per month, which became unaffordable. I had to move her from her independent living apartment into assisted living. The full-time care I had arranged was terminated, leaving her unemployed. Two years later, she is still unemployed. The termination wrecked her life completely. In the first six months of her elder care, she had two hospital stays that led to her being in hospice care for the last eighteen months. Now, she is completely in a wheelchair. While the hospital and hospice care weren’t a direct result of my termination, they added to my stress. In our bitterness and unforgiveness, we often attribute independent circumstances to our misery. We see ourselves as victims, and everything that happens reinforces that feeling.

Throughout this time, I was battling my second round of cancer in five years. Thankfully, I am in remission now.

Needless to say, I had plenty of reasons to feel hurt, angry, bitter, unforgiving, and vengeful.

Lessons Learned

My faith preserved me from making poor choices. Here are some key lessons I learned:

Resentment, anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness only hurt me. They eat away at my spirit and ultimately destroy me. They impact my relationships with others.
I realized that my journey to healing after betrayal involved forgiving my betrayer.
We forgive others because God forgave us—not because we deserve or earn it.
When I don’t forgive, I am playing God with others.
To become the person God intended me to be, I must forgive others unconditionally, just as He has forgiven me.
Forgiveness is crucial for my inner healing.
I had a revelation that, like eyewitnesses at a traffic accident, we each have our perspective based on our filters. My feelings of betrayal may not align with the perceptions of the person who betrayed me. Truth often lies somewhere in the middle.
Forgiveness is a journey and a process. It doesn’t happen overnight.
As I worked through the process, I had to re-forgive several times. Healing came in stages:
The pain subsided.
I began to see my betrayer’s perspective. This didn’t mean I agreed with it, but I could understand his rationale.
I reached a stage where I refused to let the event hurt me anymore.
I experienced a semi-forgiveness, where I no longer sought vengeance but didn’t wish him success.
Eventually, I found myself wishing him success.
As a born-again Christian, I pray for the salvation of my family, friends, acquaintances, neighbors, and co-workers by name. I started praying for his salvation.
As I prayed for others’ salvation, I learned to receive them fully as brothers and sisters in Christ. We are all God’s children, and Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross and resurrection secured our eternal life with Him and His Father. No distinctions exist among us based on race, creed, color, gender, or political beliefs. We are all purchased with His blood and are children of the same Father. As I prayed for my betrayer’s salvation, I had to be willing to receive him fully as my brother too.

That was forgiveness. I forgave because I was forgiven unconditionally. My friend has not yet accepted Christ as his personal Savior, but that is my prayer for him.

The Connection to Leadership

How does this all relate to a series of blogs on leadership? I often reminded my teams that we spent more than eight hours a day together. We frequently worked nights and weekends, often under intense pressure. It was inevitable that we would encounter situations where we felt unheard, slighted, insulted, or betrayed by one another. My coaching emphasized the importance of resolving these conflicts. Resolved conflicts lead to greater trust and stronger relationships. Unresolved conflicts fester and create mistrust.

We often have different perceptions of the same circumstance. I suggested taking the other person out for coffee or lunch to discuss the conflict. Often, it turned out to be a miscommunication or an unintentional slight. Build the relationship—don’t let the conflict destroy it.

Check out a previous blog on forgiveness that involved a family story. You will enjoy that read too. Salve For Festering Wounds.

The journey is not easy, but it is worthwhile. It is essential for maintaining healthy relationships with others in my circle of influence.

Miticulous
Software Solutions